The Characteristics of Grief

By Jacquie Bell, Grieving Circle Coordinator, Hospice Society of Greater Halifax

Last Updated: Apr 1, 2005
Articles & News : Articles : Death & Dying

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"Grief has been said to be the price paid for love."

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Immediately following a death, there can be a sense of shock, numbness, and unreality that can last days or weeks.  Often it seems one goes on "automatic pilot" in order to take care of all the necessary arrangements, and there is a feeling of being caught up in a dream.  This period is necessary in order for the emotional reality to "catch up" with what one understands intellectually. 

Some of the normal responses to grief during this period include spontaneous crying, shortness of breath, digestive problems, changes in appetite and sleep patterns, a need to continually review the death, poor concentration, forgetfulness, denial, disbelief, and constant thoughts about the person.  There can also be spiritual distress, a lack of meaning in one's life, and a wish to join the loved one in death.

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At some point, this period of numbness will turn into one of seemingly relentless pain.  This, again, is a normal grief response, though it can be frightening because it's difficult to believe one can survive such suffering.  This pain is healthy, however, and it can be resolved.  The time and intensity of this period will be affected by the quality of the survivor's support system, your history of past losses, how the death has affected your life style, the nature of the relationship with the person who died, and your ability to handle change.

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The intensity of these responses will lessen with time, but they must be acknowledged and worked through.  It is important to note, however, that not everyone will experience such a heightened emotional response to loss.  Grief does affect each of us differently, and because someone else who shares your loss is not responding in the same way, does not mean that their loss is any less than yours.

There will be fleeting instances of happiness during this period, but they are often followed by periods of guilt, and the happiness is far outweighed by sadness.  At some point, this will change.  There will be fewer periods of sadness and/or crying, and longer periods of interest in the lives of others.  The physical symptoms will subside, and the appetite and sleep patterns will return to normal.  Concentration will improve, and there will be an ability to remember the loved one with less pain.  Memories become moments of pleasure instead of painful reminders with the acceptance that death is a part of life. 

Grief has sometimes been described as a roller-coaster.  Throughout the journey, there will be periods of intense sadness, followed by a period of seeming normality, followed by more pain, followed by an instance of joy, and so on.  It is helpful to try and not grasp onto any of these experiences as if they will last.  They won't.  Just "be" with the experience, know that it is a normal response to grief, and relax and be kind to yourself.  You will never stop loving the person who died, and life will never be as it once was.  You will discover a different way of being, however, and, at some point, you will be able to enjoy your life.

Note:  Much of the above information is found in the Victoria Hospice Society's "Bereavement Care" manual.

Jacquie Bell, Grieving Circle Coordinator,
Hospice Society of Greater Halifax

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